I have read blogs concerning DD, D/s, submission, and everything in between for a good 5 years now. One thing I have noticed is those blogs that sugar coat their real life or try to make it something it is not tend not to last or end up being found out as fake. That’s not what I want. I do consider myself to be a submissive wife. I do not have a DD marriage. If my husband was comfortable with it I would be willing to try it. However, he has made comments that make it clear to me he is not so I don’t push the issue. I relate more to those that label their marriage as ttwd because I believe that they have, as a couple transformed and adjusted their married life into what comes natural to them. When I first started reading about these different life styles I was intrigued. I wanted to try DD but didn’t know how I could bring it up to my husband. I came to realize though that it seemed a lot of people complicated their marriage more by trying to force something that was not comfortable to their spouse but out of love they were willing to try. It lead to frustration and disappointment within their marriage. I definitely did not want to do that. Don’t get me wrong I have read a lot of blogs where they decided to try DD, TTWD, etc. and it was a very natural progression. They let it progress at a comfortable pace and gave it time to adjust. I know they had bumps in the road at points but they were just speed bumps and not walls. That is what I want.
Over the years I have done a lot of things to become more submissive. At first they were just small changes, make the bed, clear of bathroom counter, put his laundry away after I folded it. The change I saw within myself and my husband with these small changes were noticeable. So I built upon them. My biggest flaw, especially when my children was young was keeping the house picked up and clean. Seriously, I hated when people would call and want to stop by without at least a 2 hour notice. So I made an effort to have the house at least picked up by the time husband came home from work each night. Wow, I was shocked at how this changed our family dynamics in the evening. My husband and I were just able to sit down and enjoy each other in a picked up house without chaos surrounding us. Don’t get me wrong, there were still nights that the house was not picked up when he came home. On those days he just knew what type of day I had had because it became routine for me. Of course I have added things through out the years and continue to improve. The latest change I am trying to make is keeping the kitchen clean. I love to cook but I hate doing dishes. I swear to you if I could hire someone to come in and clean my kitchen daily I would. This definitely goes back to my childhood when my mom would leave the dishes for days. By the time she did them it would take both of us over 2 hours to get them done. However I hate a messy kitchen and I won’t cook in a messy kitchen so doing dishes I must. I was very happy last night when I ran out of dish soap and got a reprieve for the night. However the dishes were still there this morning.
One of the biggest challenge of becoming a submissive wife was giving over control and let my husband take the lead. Even harder because this has all been done quietly without be told I had to. I wanted all this to come from my heart, and not because he said to. I vividly remember the first time I made the conscious decision to listen to my husband even though I wasn’t happy about it. It was a rainy Sat. morning. I wanted to drive to a fabric shop that was 45 minutes away because my husband could stay with kids. He flat out told me, “I don’t want you to go. It’s raining. The roads are not safe.” Yea I was kinda pissed but then for the first time I understood what a lot of people talk about when they say they feel loved and treasured when their husbands take control. I realized it was out of care and concern that he put his foot down. So I didn’t go and we watched movies on the couch on a rainy day. It ended up being the perfect day. As the years have gone by and it’s more natural. If he says he doesn’t want me to do something or he does want me to do something he pretty much just expects it to be. I might push back and unless I have a good reason his push back is much stronger. I would say in the last year or so I get more of the raised eyebrows or the amused look when I disagree. Obviously there are no punishments but I know when he says, “That’s not happening” or “We are done discussing this” that I need to bite my tongue because it’s a closed matter in his eyes.
The biggest challenge by far for me and still is something I struggle with is my attitude. If we lived any lifestyle this would be the one that would get me in trouble the most. I can get myself fired up quickly and it takes me a while to calm down. Generally speaking I don’t cuss but if I get fired up those words fly out of my mouth. I am not proud of it. Unfortunately my kids, who are older now have the ability to bring out this unsavory trait in me. This is one of the areas though that my husband will often step in and tell me to back off. Normally I am able to reign my attitude at this point. I do notice though that if I am being exceptional he will ask me to go chill out in our room for a bit. At that point I know that I am being histrionic and I need to take some time to calm down before things get really ugly. He isn’t a yeller but if I am being asked to go chill out in our room I know I am pushing him to that point. I really do try not to let my attitude and words cause toxicity and utter chaos but I fall short.
I do enjoy being a “submissive” wife. I have also learned that it looks different for every wife. I do it because I enjoy the results. It makes me feel good and I see my husband thrive as his role as a husband, dad, and provider. It has definitely boosted his confidence.
Did you start out slowly and allow it to progress naturally or did you flip the switch one day?
I thought for sure once summer hit I would have more time to relax, blog, and just be. That so didn’t happen. As I said my husband was gone for the first part, he was home for a couple of weeks and then we left for a week long vacation. Once home, of course I had to get everything back in order. A couple more business trips for the hubby, another vacation for kids and I, and doing fun things with the kids while they were off and all of a sudden we are looking at the start of school straight in the face….LOL I have enjoyed the summer but can’t deny that I am anxious to get back to a routine. My children are getting squirrely and I sense that boundaries and routines will do us all a world of good.
Everything is the same between my husband and I. Honestly I have not had the brain space to put much thought into all of it.
My husband is home and has been for a week now. Still busy as always. Now just finding myself getting back into the groove. I find myself getting a little more irritated and frustrated since he came home. Why? Oh maybe because I was doing everything my way and on my timeframe when he was gone. Now that he is home the expectations are different and I have to adjust. I can’t have it both ways.
I love wearing flip flops. I hate shoes. My back on the other hand does not have my same love of flip flops. I have suffered for days with lower back pain when I wear them for a whole day or I am running a ton of errands. Here’s the problem, It’s hot were I live, flip flops are convenient, my husband has not been home to stop me, I have been wearing them for the most part while he was gone. Yesterday we had a bunch of errands to run. One of the places we had to go was Costco and we all know that the floors there are just cement. My flip flops were in front of the couch were my husband just happened to be sitting. I was slipping them on when he cleared his throat just slightly. I raised my head slowly and met his eyes. Oh yea he had The Look, the one that makes you pause. All he said is “REALLY!” I tried to reason with him. I told him all the benefits of wearing them in the middle of summer. He didn’t buy it. He just said he is not going to listen to me complain that my back was hurting for a week, flip flops have no support, etc. I did my cute little pout that often makes him laugh and tried that. That didn’t work either. He did laugh but said, “Not happening”. DANG IT! Off I went to get my socks and shoes. When I came back he had partially slipped his foot into my flip flop and was lecturing me about how little support they had etc.
I am working on slipping back into that submissive side of me again…LOL I better make it quick. We have a week long vacation coming up. We will be driving hundreds of miles with the kids and my mom. The only way we will have a peaceful and fun time is if I step back and let him lead. That’s not always easy.
Its been a rough couple of weeks. I knew it would be it doesn’t make it any easier. Next week will be my husband’s last week of travel and it can’t come soon enough. I’m done flying solo and doing everything. I have no problem admitting that I need him and that I am more balanced when he is around.
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We got up early and I drove him to the airport. Hugs and kisses were had. Tears came later as we remembered happy memories through text. Today is not really easier for me. I commend military wives who do this for months and even years in support of their husbands.
I still have not had a conversation with him about wanting to become a TTWD couple. I thought with him gone I could sort my feeling and thoughts out but I can’t right now. I have found though that the more I submit, the more he leads. He doesn’t even realize he does it which I love because it’s natural. The other day I was so worked up, my daughter and I were arguing over HER school project. She was frustrating the heck out of me because she wanted to do things differently than I felt would be beneficial to her. Her way wasn’t wrong just different. We were firing words back and forth and finally my husband made eye contact with me and just said, “Leave It”. I threw my hands up and walked the other way saying, “Okay, Okay, I know, I know”. LOL It’s her school project after all but I was taking it to a different level. This weekend before he left he said I want to sit down with you and discuss things you need to get done this week. More and more he has been reminding me of things that need to get done because I LOVE to procrastinate and we get burned sometimes. We never did sit down because we got busy but for me the fact that he said something shows me that he is aware and wants to help me out. These are just a few examples of little things I have noticed. To be honest I find it kind of sexy when he steps in and leads.
For now I am doing what I can to be the supportive wife and hold down the fort. I know he appreciates it because he tells me.
We are in an extremely busy season in our lives. My husband is traveling for business they next 4 weeks due to a huge project at work. He normally doesn’t travel. When he is not traveling he is just busy at work following up with stuff he hasn’t been able to do while he was away from the office. This leaves all of the weekday jobs solely on me. We have a child that plays competitive sports so she has practices 4 weeknights. Throw in school, homework, dinners, and other responsibilities and we are just beyond busy. On top of that my husband was offered a moonlighting gig that has many potentials. He couldn’t pass it up but it comes at a bad time for us. This opportunity gives us potential to get ahead financially as well as potentially open doors in his industry. So he jumped at the chance and I fully support him, even though I know this season will be incredibly crazy. The thing is I know this is just a season and like all of those crazy times it will pass.
If I am a little scarce around here it’s because of the busy season. Writing blog post takes a lot more time than I thought they would but I do enjoy it. Thanks to all who have welcomed me and reached out to me through comments and even emails. I am finding I do enjoy it.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, good or bad. Your parents, childhood, life experiences all help to shape and mold you. I have had some crappy experiences happen to me but I have also had some amazing life changing experiences happen to me. I have chosen to not let the crappy experiences define who I am. I am a reflective person so when I look back on certain situation in my life I can find purpose. I chose to learn from the situations in some way.
How has this affected my marriage and my journey to submission? My parents did not have a happy marriage when they were together. They fought a lot and my dad escaped by drinking. My mother chose to blame all her marital problems on alcoholism instead of looking at the real issues. Her thought was if my father would just admit he was an alcoholic then life would be great. Knowing what I know now it was so much more than that. My mother didn’t like to cook, the house was always dirty, laundry was never done, and my mother was still attached to her mother by the umbilical cord. These things caused a lot of strife in their marriage. My father was married to his wife but also my grandmother in a lot of ways. I love my grandmother but she was an opinionated lady and had no problem telling you exactly what she thought. She often made it known to my father that he was less than adequate as a father and husband. My mother would just stand back and allow it. In fact she loved that my grandmother would put my father in his place.
My father left when I was 9 years old. Even though they were separated he visited often and was always their when we needed him. I can remember him coming over and my parents still going over bills and discussing things. During this time my mother shut down. My father leaving sent her into a depression. She literally could only drank milkshakes and my brother and I grew up on fast food from this point forward. We couldn’t go anywhere in the evening until my father had called. She knew he was living with another woman and acted as if she didn’t know. When my father would leave after visiting, my mother and I would jump in the car and follow him home. He never knew it. I became sick of it and started to get angry. My father was done with the marriage but was trapped because my mother would absolutely loose her mind if my father mentioned divorce. So since she accepted her life the way it was he left things the way they were for the sake of my brother and I. My mother was still married so she refused to date, even when she had men that were interested in her. My father controlled our lives in many ways, especially emotionally even though he was not present in our lives on a daily basis. My parents lived this way for 15 years. I’m not saying my father was a blameless but for the sake of my journey I’m just showing my mother’s side because that’s what mostly shaped my vision of who I wanted to be as a wife.
When I started dating I knew a few things about what I wanted and what I didn’t want. I knew I would never let a man control me. I knew I would not allow him to tell me what I could and couldn’t do. I would never allow him to play mind games with me. I do remember our first fight. I had called my brother, who is 4 years older than me a very unsavory name. My boyfriend, now husband was not happy about my words and let me know. I flew off the handle at him. Essentially telling him I wouldn’t apologize, it’s how I felt, and just because he was my boyfriend he couldn’t control my thoughts feelings and emotions. He backed off and I silently celebrated my victory. Another defining moment in our relationship. I knew that I did want to be respected and cherished. It was extremely important that I walked into my marriage sexually pure. I knew that if he could respect my values and we could restrain ourselves then that was one of the highest levels of respect he could show me. It also showed that he cherished me. I wanted to feel like my feelings and thoughts mattered. I also wanted for him to make most of the decision, except when I disagreed and then I wanted him to do things my way. :-) This worked for the most part, especially in the beginning. Most of all I wanted to be able to trust him with everything I had. I never wanted to doubt his love and faithfulness to me.
He won my heart and after 3 years of dating we married and began our lives as husband and wife. Our beginning was easy for us. Transitioning into married life was easy for the most part.
My husband and I have been very fortunate. We are each other’s first. We never dated anyone else. We are blessed that we don’t have baggage from past hurts from other relationships. I believe this has made our bond even stronger. However these feeling of shame and sorrow were new to me. I had to come to terms with what I was feeling and why I was suddenly feeling this way.
We both grew up in unstable and dysfunctional homes. His was a home littered with abuse. His father deals with mental illness, so he grew up with a father that was in and out of mental institutions during his growing up years. His mother was a severe alcoholic. His parents marriage ended the night his father pulled a knife on his mom and my husband, in his mid teenage years had to step between them to save his mother’s life. Unfortunately this was just one of many dramatic moments during his childhood. To say his childhood was chaotic and traumatic is an understatement. There are still many stories that are untold and will probably forever be buried in his memory. My childhood was not nearly as dramatic as his. I had parents that loved me and did the best they could to provide for me. However, my father is also an alcoholic. He left my mother when I was only 9 years old. This devastated my mother. They continued to stay married for 15 years even though he lived with another woman. We are often asked how we turned out okay and have an strong marriage given our childhoods. Our honest answer is, “But by the Grace of God.”
We met in high school and church. Our church family was what we as a couple immersed ourselves in. Our youth leaders were our mentors. They are the ones that walked along side us during our dating years. We would not have survived if it wasn’t for their prayer and encouragement. Our parent’s marriages were not an example of what we wanted in a marriage. We married each other with no examples of what a real marriage should look like. All we had were our vows and our God to lead us.