Crazy Season

We are in an extremely busy season in our lives. My husband is traveling for business they next 4 weeks due to a huge project at work.  He normally doesn’t travel.  When he is not traveling he is just busy at work following up with stuff he hasn’t been able to do while he was away from the office.  This leaves all of the weekday jobs solely on me.  We have a child that plays competitive sports so she has practices 4 weeknights.  Throw in school, homework, dinners, and other responsibilities and we are just beyond busy.  On top of that my husband was offered a moonlighting gig that has many potentials.  He couldn’t pass it up but it comes at a bad time for us.  This opportunity gives us potential to get ahead financially as well as potentially open doors in his industry.  So he jumped at the chance and I fully support him, even though I know this season will be incredibly crazy.  The thing is I know this is just a season and like all of those crazy times it will pass.

If I am a little scarce around here it’s because of the busy season.  Writing blog post takes a lot more time than I thought they would but I do enjoy it.  Thanks to all who have welcomed me and reached out to me through comments and even emails.  I am finding I do enjoy it.

My Journey Part 4:Finding solid ground

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, good or bad.  Your parents, childhood, life experiences all help to shape and mold you.  I have had some crappy experiences happen to me but I have also had some amazing life changing experiences happen to me.  I have chosen to not let the crappy experiences define who I am.  I am a reflective person so when I look back on certain situation in my life I can find purpose.  I chose to learn from the situations in some way.

How has this affected my marriage and my journey to submission?  My parents did not have a happy marriage when they were together.  They fought a lot and my dad escaped by drinking.  My mother chose to blame all her marital problems on alcoholism instead of looking at the real issues.  Her thought was if my father would just admit he was an alcoholic then life would be great.  Knowing what I know now it was so much more than that.  My mother didn’t like to cook, the house was always dirty, laundry was never done, and my mother was still attached to her mother by the umbilical cord.  These things caused a lot of strife in their marriage.  My father was married to his wife but also my grandmother in a lot of ways.  I love my grandmother but she was an opinionated lady and had no problem telling you exactly what she thought.  She often made it known to my father that he was less than adequate as a father and husband.  My mother would just stand back and allow it.  In fact she loved that my grandmother would put my father in his place.

My father left when  I was 9 years old.  Even though they were separated he visited often and was always their when we needed him.  I can remember him coming over and my parents still going over bills and discussing things.  During this time my mother shut down.  My father leaving sent her into a depression.  She literally could only drank milkshakes and my brother and I grew up on fast food from this point forward.  We couldn’t go anywhere in the evening until my father had called.  She knew he was living with another woman and acted as if she didn’t know.  When my father would leave after visiting, my mother and I would jump in the car and follow him home.  He never knew it.  I became sick of it and started to get angry.  My father was done with the marriage but was trapped because my mother would absolutely loose her mind if my father mentioned divorce.  So since she accepted her life the way it was he left things the way they were for the sake of my brother and I.  My mother was still married so she refused to date, even when she had men that were interested in her. My father controlled our lives in many ways, especially emotionally even though he was not present in our lives on a daily basis.   My parents lived this way for 15 years.  I’m not saying my father was a blameless but for the sake of my journey I’m just showing my mother’s side because that’s what mostly shaped my vision of who I wanted to be as a wife.

When I started dating I knew a few things about what I wanted and what I didn’t want.  I knew I would never let a man control me.  I knew I would not allow him to tell me what I could and couldn’t do.  I would never allow him to play mind games with me.  I do remember our first fight.  I had called my brother, who is 4 years older than me a very unsavory name.  My boyfriend, now husband was not happy about my words and let me know.  I flew off the handle at him.  Essentially telling him I wouldn’t apologize, it’s how I felt, and just because he was my boyfriend he couldn’t control my thoughts feelings and emotions.  He backed off and I silently celebrated my victory.  Another defining moment in our relationship.  I knew that I did want to be respected and cherished.  It was extremely important that I walked into my marriage sexually pure.  I knew that if he could respect my values and we could restrain ourselves then that was one of the highest levels of respect he could show me.  It also showed that he cherished me.  I wanted to feel like my feelings and thoughts mattered.  I also wanted for him to make most of the decision, except when I disagreed and then I wanted him to do things my way. 🙂  This worked for the most part, especially in the beginning.  Most of all I wanted to be able to trust him with everything I had.  I never wanted to doubt his love and faithfulness to me.

He won my heart and after 3 years of dating we married and began our lives as husband and wife.  Our beginning was easy for us.  Transitioning into married life was easy for the most part.

My Journey Part 3:Shaky Foundation

My husband and I have been very fortunate.  We are each other’s first.  We never dated anyone else.  We are blessed that we don’t have baggage from past hurts from other relationships.  I believe this has made our bond even stronger.  However these feeling of shame and sorrow were new to me.  I had to come to terms with what I was feeling and why I was suddenly feeling this way.

We both grew up in unstable and dysfunctional homes.  His was a home littered with abuse.  His father deals with mental illness, so he grew up with a father that was in and out of mental institutions during his growing up years.  His mother was a severe alcoholic.  His parents marriage ended the night his father pulled a knife on his mom and my husband, in his mid teenage years had to step between them to save his mother’s life.  Unfortunately this was just one of many dramatic moments during his childhood.  To say his childhood was chaotic and traumatic is an understatement.  There are still many stories that are untold and will probably forever be buried in his memory.  My childhood was not nearly as dramatic as his.  I had parents that loved me and did the best they could to provide for me.  However, my father is also an alcoholic.  He left my mother when I was only 9 years old.  This devastated my mother.  They continued to stay married for 15 years even though he lived with another woman.  We are often asked how we turned out okay and have an strong marriage given our childhoods.  Our honest answer is, “But by the Grace of God.”

We met in high school and church.  Our church family was what we as a couple immersed ourselves in.  Our youth leaders were our mentors.  They are the ones that walked along side us during our dating years.  We would not have survived if it wasn’t for their prayer and encouragement.  Our parent’s marriages were not an example of what we wanted in a marriage.  We married each other with no examples of what a real marriage should look like.  All we had were our vows and our God to lead us.

My Journey Part 2:Clarity

Some may ask why a silly post of venting about my husband on a mommy fourm with woman I had never meant would create such an a-ha moment. Well, the reality is although we were a young couple with young children like most our circumstances we were a little different.

We married young but waited to have children. I’m glad we did. We dealt with the near death of his mother, a mentally ill family member, he worked night shift, while I worked days and attended college. We grew up together and clung to each other. Those rough times only made our bond stronger. We understood that it was us against the world. Nobody could understand the road we were on or the road we had already traveled, except us. Along came our first child we were both thrilled with being parents. It was everything we had imagined. We decided to have a second and we were even more blessed. During the second year of my first child’s life he was diagnosed with a genetic abnormality. This is not something that ever nor will it ever threaten his life. However it was a game changer for us. I remember the phone call and I remember the tears. I will never forget the embrace of my husband as he held me and told me, “Nothing has changed. He is still the same child today as he was yesterday. We just have tools to help him now. We’ll do this together.” This was definitely a defining moment in our marriage. My husband was my rock during this time. He kept things in perspective while I became a warrior and learned to become a fierce advocate for my child. My definition of a stay at home mom changed. I was no longer at home…LOL I was taking my son to therapy, Dr. appointments, doing research, as well as taking care of my younger child. One of these appointments was to a genetic specialist. She recommended that my husband and I were tested to make sure we were not the carrier, especially since we were planning on having more children. On a side note my plan was to have four children. I already had it all planned. I knew how apart I wanted them to be and was already calculating my next pregnancy.

It took a couple of months to get the test results. During that time my husband watched me as I was run ragged everyday. I was chasing my two very active toddlers, running to therapies daily, dealing with the emotional aspect of what it meant to have a child with special needs as well as just keeping up with daily life. My husband had come to me during this time and told me he didn’t want to have anymore children if it came back that either of us were the carrier of this genetic abnormality. He felt it was not fair to the two children we already had and would put to much burden on my shoulders if we had another child that had special needs. I agreed because he had some excellent points and perspective that I didn’t.

We had taken a road trip with our little ones. My husband and I were wrestling to get the kids in car in the valet line at the hotel and I get the call from the geneticist. It was simple, “We just wanted to let you know we got the test results back. It has been confirmed that you are the carrier of the genetic abnormality. We recommend that you see a genetic counselor if you are considering having more children”. Here I am standing in the valet line at a hotel, tears streaming down my face and I’m in complete and utter shock. Of course my husband notices and hugs me asking what’s wrong. It was a quick embrace as I told him, “I’m the carrier.” Not the most opportune moment to find out news like this. He helped me in the car and we drove holding each other’s hand as tears continued to stream down my face. Thank God for entertainment systems and wireless headsets in the car.

My husband, my rock.  I don’t even know how he knew what to say to calm me down and put things into perspective.  I do remember him once again telling me, “Things are still the same today as they were yesterday.  Nothing has changed.”  He just continued to talk as I cried.  Our kids had started bickering and antagonizing each other from their carseats.  My husband asked me why I was still crying.  I told him, “I wanted four kids.”  My man looked at me like I had turned purple, grew 3 eyes, and lost my mind.  In a joking manner, as he is looking back at our squirrely children he said, “You really wanted two more of those.”  That was it we were both laughing hysterically. Another defining moment in our marriage.   I have always been so thankful for my husband’s insight to make such a huge decision before we knew the results of that test.

Never once in all these years has my husband blamed me or held it against me that I was cause of my son’s abnormalities.  In my few moments of guilt he has stopped me.  The night we found out we were pregnant we layed hands on my stomach and prayed for our son.  We also prayed that God would equip us and prepare us to be the best parents we could be for our child.  He has always reminded me of that.

Going back to my A-HA moment.  How could I speak so disrespectfully and say those awful things about my husband?  This is the man that I vowed to Love, Honor, and Obey before God.  He has never disrespected me.  He has always told me and others what a great mother I am.  He has always told me and others how wonderful a wife I was.  He would tell people I was the one that held the family together.  Another defining moment.

My Journey Part 1:When it all began

My husband had recently started a new job working further away. His old company was bought out but they gave him 6 months notice. During those 6 months he went on job interviews, worked from home, went in late, came home early and did everything he could to help me out at home. His company closed it’s doors on Friday and he started his new job the next Monday. We were definitely very grateful and blessed. However I had become very spoiled. I was used to my husband being home ALOT. Now he was leaving early in the morning, spending at least an hour in horrible traffic, working a full day, and then spending at least another hour in horrible traffic coming home late in the evening. By the time he walked in the door he was cranky and tired. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and irritable because I was now having to do everything on my own all day. Don’t get me wrong he helped with the kids when he got home but by that time we were both in survival mode until we could fall into bed. It was a rough transitional period for us.

One particular day had been an extremely frustrating for me. I don’t remember the reasons now but I do remember the anger, frustration, exhaustion, and overwhelming emotions I had at that moment. I jumped onto the computer and logged onto a mommy forum I was a part of. In my journal I typed out all the reasons I was mad, angry, and frustrated with my husband in that moment. I logged out and continued to do what every stay at home mom does when she has young children. It was definitely a busy time in our lives. That night after the kids had gone to bed I jumped onto the computer to read everyone’s comments. I loved the comments! They all agreed my husband was insensitive, a jerk, clueless, etc. They all had my back. I shut down the computer and went up to bed with my husband as I held onto all those negative emotions.

The next day was a new day. The kids were behaving, took naps, and I was able to have a nice day. My husband had also expressed to me, as he often did how grateful he was for me. Acknowledging that things were rough but he appreciated everything I did for him and the kids. My spirits were high, until I logged onto my mommy group. I had even more comments about how horrible my husband was, just like every clueless man out there. My heart sank. I went back and read what I had wrote about my husband. I was embarrassed and shameful. I erased that journal entry along with the comments.

That was the moment for me when everything changed. I never again wanted to be that disrespectful or hateful to my husband. I knew I would have never treated him that way in person. I could put on a great act but it was my heart that needed to change. So began my journey to become the wife I wanted to be.

Taking the Plunge

Hello Blogland!  My name is Kate and I finally decided to take the plunge and start my own little blog in this great big world of blogging.  I have been lurking around DD/TTWD blogs for about five years now.  It has taken me that long to reconcile with myself how I feel about the whole thing.  There is something that has always intrigued me and drew me to the dynamics of the lifestyle.

Although my husband and I do not practice DD I have been on my own quiet journey for the past 10 years.  I have strived to become more submissive to my husband.  In a couple of weeks I turn a decade older, which has caused me to do a lot of reflecting.  I realized that I needed a place to write out my thoughts….I have a lot of thoughts 🙂  I also felt a need to connect with people that are like minded.  My journey is long from over.  I suppose I will always be on this journey because I truly enjoy it.  Sometime in the near future I am going to discuss this whole thing with my husband.  It will be interested to see what he thinks of it.  He doesn’t realize how much my submission has change him and me for that matter.