Some may ask why a silly post of venting about my husband on a mommy fourm with woman I had never meant would create such an a-ha moment. Well, the reality is although we were a young couple with young children like most our circumstances we were a little different.
We married young but waited to have children. I’m glad we did. We dealt with the near death of his mother, a mentally ill family member, he worked night shift, while I worked days and attended college. We grew up together and clung to each other. Those rough times only made our bond stronger. We understood that it was us against the world. Nobody could understand the road we were on or the road we had already traveled, except us. Along came our first child we were both thrilled with being parents. It was everything we had imagined. We decided to have a second and we were even more blessed. During the second year of my first child’s life he was diagnosed with a genetic abnormality. This is not something that ever nor will it ever threaten his life. However it was a game changer for us. I remember the phone call and I remember the tears. I will never forget the embrace of my husband as he held me and told me, “Nothing has changed. He is still the same child today as he was yesterday. We just have tools to help him now. We’ll do this together.” This was definitely a defining moment in our marriage. My husband was my rock during this time. He kept things in perspective while I became a warrior and learned to become a fierce advocate for my child. My definition of a stay at home mom changed. I was no longer at home…LOL I was taking my son to therapy, Dr. appointments, doing research, as well as taking care of my younger child. One of these appointments was to a genetic specialist. She recommended that my husband and I were tested to make sure we were not the carrier, especially since we were planning on having more children. On a side note my plan was to have four children. I already had it all planned. I knew how apart I wanted them to be and was already calculating my next pregnancy.
It took a couple of months to get the test results. During that time my husband watched me as I was run ragged everyday. I was chasing my two very active toddlers, running to therapies daily, dealing with the emotional aspect of what it meant to have a child with special needs as well as just keeping up with daily life. My husband had come to me during this time and told me he didn’t want to have anymore children if it came back that either of us were the carrier of this genetic abnormality. He felt it was not fair to the two children we already had and would put to much burden on my shoulders if we had another child that had special needs. I agreed because he had some excellent points and perspective that I didn’t.
We had taken a road trip with our little ones. My husband and I were wrestling to get the kids in car in the valet line at the hotel and I get the call from the geneticist. It was simple, “We just wanted to let you know we got the test results back. It has been confirmed that you are the carrier of the genetic abnormality. We recommend that you see a genetic counselor if you are considering having more children”. Here I am standing in the valet line at a hotel, tears streaming down my face and I’m in complete and utter shock. Of course my husband notices and hugs me asking what’s wrong. It was a quick embrace as I told him, “I’m the carrier.” Not the most opportune moment to find out news like this. He helped me in the car and we drove holding each other’s hand as tears continued to stream down my face. Thank God for entertainment systems and wireless headsets in the car.
My husband, my rock. I don’t even know how he knew what to say to calm me down and put things into perspective. I do remember him once again telling me, “Things are still the same today as they were yesterday. Nothing has changed.” He just continued to talk as I cried. Our kids had started bickering and antagonizing each other from their carseats. My husband asked me why I was still crying. I told him, “I wanted four kids.” My man looked at me like I had turned purple, grew 3 eyes, and lost my mind. In a joking manner, as he is looking back at our squirrely children he said, “You really wanted two more of those.” That was it we were both laughing hysterically. Another defining moment in our marriage. I have always been so thankful for my husband’s insight to make such a huge decision before we knew the results of that test.
Never once in all these years has my husband blamed me or held it against me that I was cause of my son’s abnormalities. In my few moments of guilt he has stopped me. The night we found out we were pregnant we layed hands on my stomach and prayed for our son. We also prayed that God would equip us and prepare us to be the best parents we could be for our child. He has always reminded me of that.
Going back to my A-HA moment. How could I speak so disrespectfully and say those awful things about my husband? This is the man that I vowed to Love, Honor, and Obey before God. He has never disrespected me. He has always told me and others what a great mother I am. He has always told me and others how wonderful a wife I was. He would tell people I was the one that held the family together. Another defining moment.