What my submission looks like

I have read blogs concerning DD, D/s, submission, and everything in between for a good 5 years now.  One thing I have noticed is those blogs that sugar coat their real life or try to make it something it is not tend not to last or end up being found out as fake.  That’s not what I want.  I do consider myself to be a submissive wife.  I do not have a DD marriage.  If my husband was comfortable with it I would be willing to try it.  However, he has made comments that make it clear to me he is not so I don’t push the issue.  I relate more to those that label their marriage as ttwd because I believe that they have, as a couple transformed and adjusted their married life into what comes natural to them.  When I first started reading about these different life styles I was intrigued.  I wanted to try DD but didn’t know how I could bring it up to my husband.  I came to realize though that it seemed a lot of people complicated their marriage more by trying to force something that was not comfortable to their spouse but out of love they were willing to try.  It lead to frustration and disappointment within their marriage.   I definitely did not want to do that.  Don’t get me wrong I have read a lot of blogs where they decided to try DD, TTWD, etc. and it was a very natural progression.  They let it progress at a comfortable pace and gave it time to adjust.  I know they had bumps in the road at points but they were just speed bumps and not walls.  That is what I want.

 

Over the years I have done a lot of things to become more submissive.  At first they were just small changes, make the bed, clear of bathroom counter, put his laundry away after I folded it.  The change I saw within myself and my husband with these small changes were noticeable.  So I built upon them.  My biggest flaw, especially when my children was young was keeping the house picked up and clean.  Seriously, I hated when people would call and want to stop by without at least a 2 hour notice.  So I made an effort to have the house at least picked up by the time husband came home from work each night.  Wow, I was shocked at how this changed our family dynamics in the evening.  My husband and I were just able to sit down and enjoy each other in a picked up house without chaos surrounding us.  Don’t get me wrong, there were still nights that the house was not picked up when he came home.  On those days he just knew what type of day I had had because it became routine for me.  Of course I have added things through out the years and continue to improve.  The latest change I am trying to make is keeping the kitchen clean.  I love to cook but I hate doing dishes.  I swear to you if I could hire someone to come in and clean my kitchen daily I would.  This definitely goes back to my childhood when my mom would leave the dishes for days.  By the time she did them it would take both of us over 2 hours to get them done.  However I hate a messy kitchen and I won’t cook in a messy kitchen so doing dishes I must.  I was very happy last night when I ran out of dish soap and got a reprieve for the night.  However the dishes were still there this morning.

 

One of the biggest challenge of becoming a submissive wife was giving over control and let my husband take the lead.  Even harder because this has all been done quietly without be told I had to.  I wanted all this to come from my heart, and not because he said to.  I vividly remember the first time I made the conscious decision to listen to my husband even though I wasn’t happy about it.  It was a rainy Sat. morning.  I wanted to drive to a fabric shop that was 45 minutes away because my husband could stay with kids.  He flat out told me, “I don’t want you to go.  It’s raining.  The roads are not safe.”  Yea I was kinda pissed but then for the first time I understood what a lot of people talk about when they say they feel loved and treasured when their husbands take control.  I realized it was out of care and concern that he put his foot down.  So I didn’t go and we watched movies on the couch on a rainy day.  It ended up being the perfect day.  As the years have gone by and it’s more natural.  If he says he doesn’t want me to do something or he does want me to do something he pretty much just expects it to be.  I might push back and unless I have a good reason his push back is much stronger.  I would say in the last year or so I get more of the raised eyebrows or the amused look when I disagree.  Obviously there are no punishments but I know when he says, “That’s not happening” or “We are done discussing this” that I need to bite my tongue because it’s a closed matter in his eyes.

 

The biggest challenge by far for me and still is something I struggle with is my attitude.  If  we lived any lifestyle this would be the one that would get me in trouble the most.  I can get myself fired up quickly and it takes me a while to calm down.  Generally speaking I don’t cuss but if I get fired up those words fly out of my mouth.  I am not proud of it.  Unfortunately my kids, who are older now have the ability to bring out this unsavory trait in me.  This is one of the areas though that my husband will often step in and tell me to back off.  Normally I am able to reign my attitude at this point.  I do notice though that if I am being exceptional he will ask me to go chill out in our room for a bit.  At that point I know that I am being histrionic and I need to take some time to calm down before things get really ugly.  He isn’t a yeller but if I am being asked to go chill out in our room I know I am pushing him to that point.  I really do try not to let my attitude and words cause toxicity and utter chaos but I fall short.

 

I do enjoy being a “submissive” wife.  I have also learned that it looks different for every wife.  I do it because I enjoy the results.  It makes me feel good and I see my husband thrive as his role as a husband, dad, and provider.  It has definitely boosted his confidence.

Did you start out slowly and allow it to progress naturally or did you flip the switch one day?

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “What my submission looks like

  1. Hi Kate, I agree, wonderful post! I think the most difficult thing when starting ttwd/DD is realising that each couple has to find what works for them and make it their own. There is a tendency to compare ourselves to others and that it has to be done ‘this’ way. There is no ‘right’ way…or wrong way for that matter.

    We started out with bedroom play and wanted to take things outside of the bedroom so incorporated DD into our relationship. Mostly we let it develop over time. However, we stopped DD some time ago now are back to play. We did learn a lot from it though and it brought positive changes to our relationship that have remained, such as better communication and a deeper understanding and connection.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • Hi Roz, I am really glad I didn’t approach my husband when I first read about this lifestyle. I was to scared, and honestly needed to figure out in my own head what I really thought about it. I’m glad for the time because I shortly came to understand that it’s a wide spectrum. As Leigh said, you have to find your own way. What works for you and your spouse. It doesn’t look the same for everyone. We have done the bedroom play as well and I am I see it slowly filtering out of the bedroom.

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  2. Hi Kate, ours is definitely a ttwd marriage rather than a dd one. It is lots of fun. You made me laugh about the things you have improved on, cleaning, laundry stuff etc. It would never have occurred to me to not do those things at any time in our married life! I think for me that is just being married and not part of ttwd. Maybe I am just a home bird, I have always loved nurturing both him and the kids. I think maybe I am lucky to have found my niche there. I don’t consider those things to be submissive just normal. I am so happy that you have found a happy way forward
    love Jan,xx

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    • Jan, your comment really got me thinking. Now I don’t think the things I have improved on make me a submissive wife, but back 10 years ago I definitely did. I live in probably one of the most liberal states in our country. In the beginning of my marriage society’s influence of what a wife’s role is played a bigger part of my definition than I like. It took me a long time to reconcile that there is nothing wrong with wanting to nurture him and the kids, and care for the house. I take joy it now. I think for me I labeled it being submissive because in a lot of ways society labels it like that. I tend to think I am just old fashioned in my thinking. People tell my husband that he is spoiled because I do a lot for him. He works hard to provide for me and the kids outside of the home and I take care of the business inside the home. We know we are both blessed.

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